Cancer

Cancer Sucks.  F@#$ Cancer.  We have heard it all, but until you are in the midst of it, you don't really realize how true it is. My first experience with cancer was with my grandmother.  She was in her 70s and had breast cancer.  I was about 10.  I adored her.  I was so scared.  I remember wanting to fix it so bad.  Nana had a mastectomy and radiation.  From then on, she was okay. She was sick and had to do a lot to recover, but she was okay.   She had other cancers after that, but seem to get through each one of them.  So far my experience with cancer was hard, but manageable.

Fast forward many years- I was married to an amazing man and joined an amazing family.  I love my husband's family.  All of them, but I really clicked with my father in law, Bill.  He was just so real, kind and he was a teacher too.  I just enjoyed hanging out with him and talking.  He was so easy to talk to .  Maybe because he was a Virgo too or a teacher too, but I adored him.   About one year after we were married (gosh as I write that, I can't believe it was so soon after our wedding), Bill was having some troubles sleeping, digesting, and losing weight.  Bill and my mother in law, Barbara went to the doctor often and eventually found out Bill had cancer.  It was devastating.  Bill told us he "was going to meet Heavenly Father before us".  Always trying to be a comedian.  He said his only regret was not meeting any grandchildren.  We reassured him that he would meet them in Heaven.  However, Heavenly Father had other plans - a few months later I was expecting a baby boy.  It was a rough pregnancy, Andy was in school, we had a new house; needless to say we weren't paying much attention to his Dad's illness.  We knew he was told he had about a year, but for some reason it never really sunk in.  Before we knew it, our baby was coming 6 weeks early.  Bill was the first to hold him. It was like this was Heavenly Father's Plan all along.   We spent a few weeks reveling in the baby and Bill...it seemed perfect.  Little did we know, Barbara was dealing with Bill's diminishing health.  The end was coming quick. I mean we saw the signs, he was forgetting things, becoming agitated, treatment wasn't working.  I think I was just in denial.  I couldn't imagine him being gone. We got a call that Barbara was calling in hospice.  I didn't understand palliative care.  I was hormonal and completely devastated that Bill was no longer going to eat or drink - only a cocktail of morphine.  We moved in the house along with Andy's sister and her husband, Barbara's mother and father.  Alex, Andy's younger brother , was at home.  We took turns talking to Bill, medicating him, cleaning him.  At the same time, we laughed, cried, ate, played games, and talked and talked.  It ended up being a magical time.  We bonded in a way only people who go through a trauma can do together.  However, given the option, I know we would all give that up for more time with Bill.

Flash forward 13 years... I have had many friends deal with cancer.  Some survived, some did not.  It was devastating to watch.  But nothing prepared me for the call.  My Dad had a brain tumor.